Confessions of a People Pleaser
The desire to keep everyone happy is the glue that binds families, friends, organizations and communities. But, like most desires, the longing for harmony can become unhealthy.
In the six months that I’ve been retired from full-time ministry, I’ve been working on a series of short essays, reflecting on my experiences as a local church pastor. As I comb through pages of journals, themes emerge. I frequently would worry about mending fences, smoothing over disagreements, clearing up miscommunications. “I know I can’t keep everyone happy, and it feels neurotic to try.” Yet a few months later, I would describe another attempt to reach out to someone who seemed bothered.
I’m grateful for the time I now have to read these journal entries, to seek to understand myself better. Because I am working with other ministers, because I care deeply about helping congregations become healthy and vital, I want to know how to guide others who share my impulse towards harmony. When does it make sense? And when is it a red flag?
I find Kathleen Smith’s work a useful tool. A practitioner of Bowen family systems theory, her writing is accessible, practical, and humorous. In her new book, True To You, she writes about “the cost of keeping people happy.” She explains concepts such as self-differentiation, triangling, over-functioning and under-functioning.
Here’s one of the paragraphs I highlighted: “If you’re the oldest child in your family, or you acted like one, congratulations! You’re more likely to over function for others. Do your mood or functioning get a boost when people need you? Health care professionals, educators, clergy, or other people in leadership roles may find that their mood, energy level, or abilities increase when they can be the comforter, the expert, or the shepherd.”
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand better how they relate to others. Focusing more on understanding ourselves — while that may seem self-centered — actually results in our ability to be more empathetic and compassionate.
Smith encourages us to think of being responsible TO people, not FOR people. I appreciate her list of questions to use when we want to get to know others at a deeper level, moving beyond small talk with genuine curiosity. In her excellent conclusion, she proposes that “the world needs more grown-ups, now more than ever.” Amen.